??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
