I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
