dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
