Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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