My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
