I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude i'm inner monologue high
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Shame - the story of my life.
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