my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
