My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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