see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
