We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
