The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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