she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
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Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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