I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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