I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
