Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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