i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
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I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
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Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.