last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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