She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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