i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
