Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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