I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
