i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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