sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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