kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We are all done wearing pants today
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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