Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Four minutes until I can fart!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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