I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
