Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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