You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
