eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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