Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
