I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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