I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
