I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
