I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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