you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
