I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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