Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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