You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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