No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
