2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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