Sry I called you an 8
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Im part way to drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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