All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
