she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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