thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
