i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
