Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
