he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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