sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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