after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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