hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My vagina just recognized that song.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
