I am spending my child support on dildos
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
