I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
