just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
