If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
