If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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