I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
