I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My dick has a subreddit
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
