He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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